


Fault Line

by PetitManu



Category: Political RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Road Trip, M/M, Macdeau, Motorcycles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2018-11-16 07:38:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 16,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11249268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PetitManu/pseuds/PetitManu
Summary: I had this random idea, but once it manifested in my head, it made absolute sense that this had to be written. How could you not have this MacDeau Road Trip AU?The title is taken from the Black Rebel Motorcycle Club song of the same name. It captures the mood I am trying to create in this story.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Emmanuel is backpacking through the US and makes a stop at a roadside diner in Oregon.

 

 

 _I've been waiting on the fault line_  
_Living evil take me on_  
_I'll be standing with my dying bed_  
_If you care to come along_  
  
_Racing with the rising tide_  
_To my father's door_  
  
_I been lying in the bright light_  
_See my shadow from below_  
_Never wanted from another man_  
_Never wanted for my own_  
  
_Drowning in the rising tide_  
_At my father's door_

* * *

 

Emmanuel had realized that he was at a crossroads in his life. His parents had mapped out a life in academia for him, but after a while he knew it was not his destiny.

Instead he had spent quite some time trying to figure out what it was that he wanted. His father Jean-Michel was not pleased by his decision to drop out of university, but let him be.

"I want to go to the US," he declared one day, only to be met with confusion.

"But what are you going to do there?" his mother exclaimed.

"I need some time to myself."

"But who is going to pay for all that?"

His father sounded incredulous.

Emmanuel explained to them that he had saved up enough money to manage for a couple of months. He also reassured his parents that he would earn some money should he run out of his savings.

And so it was decided. Emmanuel would spend some time abroad and try his luck in the world. He had elaborately prepared for his trip, having bought all the essentials:

\- A map of the country.

\- A backpack that could hold a bundle of clothes, a small tent and some equipment.

\- A tent.

\- A compass, a knife and some thread.

He also packed clothes, a small selection of canned food, and some books to read.

He bought a plane ticket to San Francisco and on his last day at home celebrated his departure. His grandmother was crying and begged him to write every week. Emmanuel promised he would, hugging her and wiping at his eyes.

Manette was the one person in his family that fully endorsed his decision. She was also the one who worried about him most, despite trusting him more than anyone.

His family drove him to the airport Charles de Gaulle the next morning. Emmanuel felt very nervous, thinking his decision over and over again, but deep inside he knew it was inevitable.

* * *

 

Emmanuel was sitting at a diner somewhere between San Francisco and Portland. Somewhere in Oregon. He was inspecting his map, trying to find a route he wanted to travel on.

A problem he had not seriously considered before he had left home was his dependence on truck drivers and strangers letting him travel in their cars. He was not the kind of person to whom this came easily.

Emmanuel was very soft-spoken and easily disgusted by unnecessary indulgence. He desperately wanted people to like him, even if it meant putting his own needs aside.

In a situation where he was forced to ask others for their support, it was impossible to be modest. He had to find someone to drive him to the next stop or else he was stuck.

And so he would stretch his limits, seemingly forcing himself onto others, but his natural charm made this easier than expected. People seemed to like his honest face and his meek ways.

Still buried inside his map, Emmanuel heard the door open and a breeze swept across the diner. Not looking up, he drew a line to the next bigger town, in the hope he would find someone to take him there.

A rough, husky voice ordered bourbon and ham and eggs at the counter. Emmanuel did not pay much attention, but found the texture of that voice very pleasing.

With slow, confident strides the stranger approached the table near Emmanuel. The sound of a chair being dragged across the floor startled him, but it didn't unsettle him as much as the actual sight.

Looking up from his map for a moment, Emmanuel felt his heart skip a beat. In front of him sat the most beautiful man he had ever laid eyes on. Long legs, a torso clad in a motorcycle jacket, and a face that expressed a longing the stranger was trying hard to hide.

Emmanuel knew that expression. He had seen it on his own face many times before. The stranger looked very unimpressed by his surroundings, but his hands spoke a different language. His eyes were obscured by a set of shades, yet Emmanuel was scared the man would notice him staring.

He looked away.

A moment later, he looked again.

He felt a blush creeping up his face. The man didn't seem to have noticed him, so Emmanuel kept looking. He had forgotten all about his plans. All Emmanuel could think of were those legs, impatiently lounging on the chair.

He ran a thumb over his lips, a determination forming inside his head. He would have to talk to this man or else his life was worth nothing.

Watching the other man eat, Emmanuel was trying to come up with an excuse to approach him. He was turning ideas around his head, discarding every scenario once it popped up.

What if he asked for salt? But he had salt right there on his own table. What if that man was annoyed by his question? What if this whole idea was ridiculous in the first place?

Panic rising up inside of him, Emmanuel watched the stranger get up to leave. He still hadn't made up his mind. But time was passing by. He had to decide on something.

The door closed behind the stranger and Emmanuel impulsively grabbed his belongings, throwing some money mindlessly on the table, and stumbled outside.

There he was, kneeling in front of his bike and checking on something. Emmanuel felt sick. Why was he so nervous?

He took a slow step forward. He couldn't think straight. He still didn't know what to say. The man could leave any second and he would be left there, dumbstruck and unable to move forward with his life.

Emmanuel took a deep breath. He had taken several steps and was now only a foot away. Before he could say anything though, the stranger had already gotten up and turned to face him.

A moment passed. Then...

"H-hi... I... I'm Emmanuel."

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emmanuel sets out on a journey he never imagined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos on the first chapter!!! I have a vague idea where I am going with this... Enjoy.

_I’ve been waiting for the right time just to begin_   
_I’m feeling like the cold, cold wind_   
_Waiting for the right time just to begin_   
_I’m feeling like the cold, cold wind_

* * *

 

The stranger didn't say anything, just stared Emmanuel down from behind his shades. Or at least that's what Emmanuel thought he was doing.

He probably should have never left the diner. What was he even doing out there, introducing himself like that? The guy just wanted to be left alone. Emmanuel had seen the signs. Still, there was something about that man that wouldn't leave his mind.

"I am looking for a ride. You see, I am on a trip..."

_Great, Emmanuel, that was just great. Just keep making this even more embarrassing for yourself._

Nervously running a hand through his wavy hair, Emmanuel was hoping for a reaction, any reaction.

"But if you don't feel like it, that's okay..."

Did that sound arrogant?

"How old are you, kid?"

"Er... uh, 19?"

"That a question?"

Emmanuel felt even more embarrassed if that was even possible.

"Er... no."

"Where you from?"

Emmanuel cleared his throat.

"France."

The stranger nodded slowly.

"Thought I'd recognized that accent."

Emmanuel just stood there, any feeling having left his body. He felt as if he was staring at himself from outside, watching his own movements.

"You gonna stand there all day?"

The stranger had moved closer to his bike and looked at Emmanuel from over his shoulder.

"Uh, no. Sorry."

Emmanuel stepped closer, feeling like a zombie. How was he supposed to get on there? Travelling on that motorbike was such a bad idea. He should have thought about that earlier.

"Come on, I don't have all day."

Emmanuel bit his lips and settled behind the guy, wondering how he should hold onto the bike once they were on the road. He couldn't.

"You probably should settle back there."

Emmanuel took a breath and placed his hands on both sides of the stranger's hips. He was grateful the guy couldn't see the red colouring his cheeks.

"I'm J., by the way."


	3. Chapter 3

__

__

_I don’t feel at home in this generation_  
_The ones without a need they ain’t got a reason_  
_I’ve been feeling alone in this generation_

* * *

They drove for five hours until they reached a bar in the middle of nowhere. Emmanuel didn't know where exactly they were, but it didn't really matter.

J. had asked him where he had to go, but Emmanuel had simply told him he wanted to go east. He wasn’t sure where he wanted to go anyway, so he let J. decide.

They sat down at a table in the far back of the bar. Emmanuel had ordered a hamburger and a coke, while J. only had another drink.

Sitting at the table, Emmanuel devoured his meal, while J. was watching him with an expression that Emmanuel identified as amusement.

"Are you sure you don't want something to eat?"

"Positive."

J. took a sip from his whiskey and looked at the wall behind Emmanuel.

Their situation was pretty awkward, considering that Emmanuel didn't know where he was going to spend the night and especially didn't know what to make of the guy in front of him. J. was a pretty stoic character. Emmanuel didn't know a thing about him.

"So..." Emmanuel started carefully.

Another sip.

"What are _you_ doing out on the road?"

J. smiled a little.

"What do you _think_?"

Emmanuel shrugged.

"I don't know..."

J. finished his drink and folded his hands.

"Well, kid, to be honest... it's not like I have a plan. I'm just trying to get by, like everyone else."

Emmanuel was skeptical.

"But you must have some sort of idea..."

"Do you?"

Emmanuel raised his eyebrows.

"Well, you are grown-up, I thought..."

"That what your parents told you?"

Emmanuel felt helpless.

"Well, don't you want to settle down one day?"

J. sneered and laughed bitterly.

"Come on... God no."

Confused, Emmanuel tried to think of anything else to say, but J. seemed so intimidating. More mature and experienced. What could he tell him?

"Hey, come on! Don't be upset. We can't all have the same future mapped out for us."

J. placed a reassuring hand on Emmanuel's arm. A smile. Such a beautiful smile.

"Okay..."

Emmanuel went quiet and felt too embarrassed to say anything else.

"You don't seem to know where there's anything for the night here, right?"

Emmanuel shook his head.

"Doesn’t seem like there's anything out here anyway... you can always camp under the stars."

Emmanuel looked at him solemnly.

"There's still some time to find a decent place to sleep..."

"Where are _you_ going?" Emmanuel asked and looked at J. hopefully.

J. smiled again.

"I just need myself and my dear old Sophie."

Emmanuel frowned.

"My bike," J. clarified.

"Oh."

Emmanuel laughed.

"You're a strange kid..."

* * *

 

They found a small spot below a solitary whitebark pine out near the road. Emmanuel tried to set up his tent but failed spectacularly. J. was standing propped against his vehicle and smoking one of his Lucky Strikes, while looking at Emmanuel in amusement.

"You don't happen to know how to set up one of those things, do you?"

J. laughed quietly and shook his head.

"I give up!" Emmanuel threw his hands into the air.

"I have some blankets..."

After they had prepared their rather improvised sleeping place, Emmanuel changed into his night shirt and lay down below his blanket. J. followed a moment later. Wide-eyed, Emmanuel stared at J.'s bare shoulders and his chest, but quickly pulled his gaze away as J. looked back at him.

"Good night, kid."

"Good night," Emmanuel mumbled and turned over to his other side, trying to calm himself. J. had a strange effect on him. It took him a while to fall asleep, J.'s even breathing reassuring him in that unfamiliar place.

Emmanuel felt confused. His attraction towards J. unnerved him. It had come so suddenly, unexpectedly. He couldn't make himself understand.

Emmanuel had always felt strongly drawn to beauty, but J. elicited such an extreme reaction, almost as if Emmanuel could look straight into his soul.

After ruminating for some more, Emmanuel finally found sleep, exhausted yet satisfied.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> J. and Emmanuel continue their journey. Emmanuel spends a lot of time thinking, especially about J.

_But it’s the same every day_

_It drives the world insane_

_And the lies of mankind_

_Burn you up inside_

* * *

 

 

They drove further east. They drove all the way through Montana, North Dakota, Minnesota. Emmanuel was amazed they were still in the same country. The houses looked different, the people spoke different dialects, even their clothes varied in the most fascinating ways.

J., as usual, seemed unimpressed. He merely shrugged at Emmanuel’s excitement.

As they reached a forest clearing, J. decided they would set up camp there. Emmanuel started a fire – his first on their trip – and proudly cooked potato soup over the flames. J. didn’t comment on the food, but Emmanuel could swear he enjoyed it. At least he thought J. enjoyed it, judging by the smile spread all over his face.

J. helped Emmanuel figure out how to set up the tent, since the late September air was chilly that day. It only took them two hours and a lot of swearing on J.’s part, but eventually the tent stood there proud and clear.

“I think I’ll go for another smoke,” J. announced and disappeared.

Emmanuel sat on a tree root outside their tent and stared at the stars coming up over the horizon. He realized he felt happier than he had ever felt before. Travelling with J. had boosted his confidence. J. never pushed him and never pretended he was smarter than Emmanuel. He was only a little aloof, but Emmanuel had begun to find that aspect very charming.

J. was a quiet companion, someone with whom Emmanuel enjoyed to spend time in silence. They could be lying by the side of the river, on their backs, and watching the clouds. J. with a blade of grass between his teeth, completely unaware of the sideway glances Emmanuel threw at him every couple of minutes.

J. had a stunning profile, Emmanuel had to admit. J. seemed so at peace, even closing his eyes for a moment. He wished he could just lean over and trace those gentle features. But Emmanuel held back, burying those same emotions deep inside of him, ashamed and afraid that J. would ever find out about them.

Emmanuel sighed and found the Big Dipper. He should really try to learn the other constellations, even though he knew they were only created by humans to make sense of the many suns littering the night sky. Maybe J. could teach him.

Still waiting for J. to return, Emmanuel saw dark clouds coming his way and heard a low rumble in the distance. He hoped J. would be back in time before the rain was going to fall.

Ten minutes passed. The first drops had dripped onto Emmanuel’s head, so he decided to hide inside the tent. He was sure J. would be there any second. He wrapped himself in his sleeping bag and listened to the drum of the raindrops on the thin fabric above him. The rain grew gradually stronger until it was a constant stream of water running down the side of the tent.

Maybe he should look for J.. Emmanuel was worried because J. was very likely soaked to the bone. But before he could make up his mind, the front of the tent opened to reveal a very wet and shivering man.

“J.! Hey! Where have you been?”

“Needed...” J.’s teeth chattered. “Needed some time to think.”

J. threw his jacket into the far corner at the entrance and pulled his shirt, which was clinging onto his arms and chest, over his head. Emmanuel looked discreetly into another direction, so as to not draw any attention to himself.

“Shit, man...” J. laughed and lay down on his back, trying to get his jeans off his legs.

Emmanuel was too scared to look. He tried to even his breathing and hoped that J. would lie down under his blankets any second.

“Guess I... was too far away... from the tent.”

J. sighed contently as he finally wrapped himself in his blankets, snuggling them close to his shivering limbs. Emmanuel thought he looked like a toddler about to fall asleep in his small bed.

“Emmanuel...”

“Mh?”

“Look at me.”

Emmanuel looked over at J., who gave him a warm smile.

“You’re a very special kid.”

Emmanuel blushed and laughed irritated.

“I’m not that special.”

“Well...”

Emmanuel was eying J. curiously. What was he trying to say?

“I’ve never met anyone like you.”

“Huh?”

“You’re so honest. Even pure...”

Emmanuel burst out laughing. “You’re crazy.”

“Trust me...”

J. brushed a stray curl out of Emmanuel’s face.

“Good night.”

Emmanuel stuttered, “G-good night.”

He couldn’t sleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that chapter. Emmanuel will figure things out very soon, I promise.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emmanuel is starting to have doubts. J.'s behaviour is very unusual and Emmanuel needs to figure out what happened between them.

_You’re all I came here for_

_You are my lonely soul_

_You’re all I came here for_

_You are my lonely soul_

* * *

 

 

When Emmanuel woke up the next day, he knew something was off. J. had left their camp site, even his bike was gone.

Emmanuel got dressed, ate a sandwich and tried to clean up the tent. He read for a while, then got lost in his thoughts and started to feel really worried around lunch time.

If only J. had left a note.

Emmanuel stared at the clouds and tried to calm his nerves. He was trying to think of all the possible explanations for J.’s disappearance. Was it something he had said? Was there something J. needed to do? But then he would have let him know. Or did J. just feel like a spontaneous ride?

Emmanuel tried to distract himself by writing to his grandmother, but his thoughts kept slipping back towards J.. A simple gesture, a small touch had sparked a hope inside of him. The hope that maybe, just maybe, he had a chance.

To J. this probably seemed ridiculous. What did he, a child, want from someone like J.? They barely knew each other. J. had just been nice enough to help Emmanuel travel through the country. There was nothing else connecting them.

But still, Emmanuel felt so different when he was around J.. Being with J. heightened his senses and helped him focus. Usually, Emmanuel’s thoughts were scattered, always flitting back and forth, never settling on something concrete. When he saw J., all that was gone.

Emmanuel sighed, closing his eyes. He felt a little drowsy.

As he woke from his slumber, he heard J. parking his motorcycle. He waited for him to come closer, before sitting up and raising his voice.

“Hey. What’s up?”

J. didn’t react at first, merely sat down a couple of steps away from Emmanuel.

“J.?”

J. made an annoyed sound.

“What...”

“Just leave me alone, alright?”

Emmanuel felt a panic rise inside of him.

“Where have you been?”

J. rolled his eyes. “That’s none of your business...”

“I was worried about you,” Emmanuel said quietly.

“Yeah, alright...”

Emmanuel was very confused.

“What is wrong with you?!” That had come out louder than intended.

“You know what? Maybe you should just worry about your own problems...”

Emmanuel opened his mouth, but no words came out.

“What do you care anyway...”

Feeling hopeless, Emmanuel left J. by himself and went for a walk.

* * *

  
Returning to the camp at dusk, Emmanuel had decided to travel on without J. the next day. It was no use forcing himself onto J. like that when he clearly didn’t like him. Or whatever the problem was.

J. was already asleep.

Turning from side to side, Emmanuel was trying to sleep himself, but anxiety was in full gear. He simply couldn’t figure out what had prompted such a sudden change in J.’s behaviour. Disappointed and perhaps a little heartbroken, Emmanuel lay on his back and hoped for something to tell him what to do.

But what could help in a situation like that?

Emmanuel knew that there was something, an invisible force pulling him towards J.. But he could never know how J. felt about this. He would have to go back home, maybe go back to university after all, and get on with his life.

His stomach dropped as he glanced over at J.’s sleeping figure. The slow rise and fall of his shoulders and the even rhythm of his breath were one of many things he would miss about him. How was he going to cope all by himself?

Emmanuel knew it was stupid to put all of his hopes into one person, but there he was. J.. Offering a world Emmanuel couldn’t access on his own. He felt silly. He had to get a grip of himself and forget all about the time they had spent together.

Sad yet very clear-headed, Emmanuel fell into a deep sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> J. and Emmanuel get their priorities straight. Emmanuel discovers something about his companion as they begin to understand their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to change the rating on the story. This chapter is a little explicit and I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable.
> 
> Also, there might be another chapter which could be a little too explicit. We'll see.
> 
> There is also going to be even more drama later on, I promise.

_You want it, you need it, the words slip away_  
_You’re crying your eyes out, your mind wants to break_  
_Your heart is your weakness, your song plays endlessly_  
_Wonder how you sleep_

* * *

 

 

At dawn, Emmanuel came to his senses again. J. had already left the tent, so Emmanuel spent a while just lying on his back and thinking over his plans again. He would pack up his things before noon and leave J. behind. That was all he could do.

Emmanuel ran a hand through his hair, threading his fingers through his curls, while trying to figure out how he was going to proceed. He knew he had to get his things together, but after that? He couldn’t just walk, could he?

On the other hand, there wasn’t much else he could do. So he would have to pick a route and figure out where he was. He thought he remembered the direction of the highway they had come from. That was a start.

  
Emmanuel got to his feet. Changing into fresh clothes, he began to feel more confident. He knew what had to be done. He was going to wait for J. to return and tell him about his plans. Nothing to argue with that, was there?

It didn't take long to get everything out of the tent. Emmanuel carefully placed all of J.’s things under a tree and rolled the tent back together. He refilled his backpack, cleaned the fireplace, and ate some leftovers. Then, settling on the grass, his back propped up against the backpack, Emmanuel picked up where he had left off in “Un cœur simple”.

Just as he had finished the story, he heard footsteps near the camp site. A moment later, J. appeared in Emmanuel’s field of vision. He was drying his hair with a hand towel, not paying any attention to Emmanuel’s stare. Travelling down from J.’s head, he moved his gaze over J.’s bare chest, his stomach, and lingered on his hips for a moment. The towel hanging loosely on J.’s hips didn’t help. Emmanuel noticed that J. had caught him gaping and quickly pulled his gaze away. Feeling a little flustered, Emmanuel pretended to go back to reading. Shit. What was he doing?

J. dropped the towel onto the ground. Trying to focus his brain on the words in front of his eyes, Emmanuel felt J.’s close presence. A brush of a hand over his shoulder startled him. He couldn’t move. J.’s warm breath moved over his neck, making the little hairs stand up on end. Slowly turning to face him, Emmanuel looked at him wide-eyed. J.’s face was only an inch away from him.

Before Emmanuel could say anything, J. had already placed a thumb under his chin and pulled their faces together. Emmanuel’s stomach turned upside-down just before he felt J ‘s lips on his own. J. was kissing him slowly and deliberately, his left hand carefully placed at the back of Emmanuel’s neck. Emmanuel was too shocked to react, his right hand still clasping the book he had been reading.

As Emmanuel’s brain started registering what was happening, J. had already pulled away.

“Shit. Shit. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” J. ran a nervous hand through his hair. “I’m so sorry.”

Emmanuel looked at him for a moment. J. bit his lips and avoided his eyes.

“I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Slowly extending his arms, Emmanuel took J.’s face into his hands and forced him to look at him.

J. looked scared and confused. His eyes were flicking anxiously over Emmanuel’s face, unable to focus. Trying to think of the next step, Emmanuel kept his eyes firmly fixed on J.’s eyes. How had he never noticed J.’s feelings? J. trusted him, didn’t he? So why had he never said anything?

J. placed a hand on Emmanuel’s chest. He seemed torn between pushing Emmanuel away and moving closer again. Emmanuel decided it was the only chance he had, so he lifted his head and returned the kiss. J. exhaled a nervous breath and bent down to meet him.

Grasping J.’s neck, Emmanuel tried to pull J. down with him. J. let him. Moving their hands over each other’s faces, they were moving even closer together, their legs entangled. Running his fingers over J.’s back, Emmanuel began to feel excitement rising up inside of him. J.’s thumbs were pressing lightly against his cheeks. Emmanuel felt his whole body flush, burning from the contact.

His hands were travelling all the way down J.’s spine and slipping just underneath the towel, which drew a desperate groan from J.. Rolling his hips against him, J. buried his hands in Emmanuel’s hair. It lasted for another moment until J. pulled away from him again.

“I’m sorry, I can’t! I can’t do this.”

J. was trying to catch his breath and regain his composure, while Emmanuel was lying on his back, too spent to say anything. J. ran his hands over his face several times. He seemed agitated.

“Shit, what am I doing.” He looked down at Emmanuel helplessly. “Shit.”

Emmanuel pushed himself up on his elbows and squeezed J.’s arm. He didn’t understand why J. would keep himself back. Clearly, they both had been fantasizing about this. Or hadn’t they?

Emmanuel unbuttoned his blue polo shirt. J. still hadn’t left his side, so he took it as encouragement. He pulled the shirt over his head and threw it onto the damp grass. Waiting for J. to come back, he ran a hand over J.’s chest and gave him a shy smile.

“I can’t do this. You’re only 19!”

Emmanuel’s face dropped. So that was what it was all about. “J. ...”

“No. I... I need to go.”

J. gently removed Emmanuel’s hand and was about to get up, when Emmanuel got onto his knees and grabbed his shoulders in a desperate attempt to keep J. with him.

“Please...”

J. looked away.

Emmanuel pulled him into a kiss. J. sighed and leaned closer. Moving his hands down to J.’s hips, Emmanuel decided to take matters into his own hands. Pulling away for a moment, he started removing his jeans. J. didn’t move, just looked down at him as he pulled the jeans off his legs. Next, he dragged J. down towards him.

“Shit...” J. gasped and buried his face in Emmanuel’s neck.

They kept kissing for a while, their hands roaming each other’s skin, until Emmanuel pulled J.’s towel off his hips in one motion. J. made a strange sound and pressed his nose against the side of Emmanuel’s face.

Impatiently clasping J.’s hips, Emmanuel pulled him closer. His head was spinning. The heat radiating from their bodies, they were moving against each other. J. hooked his fingers under the waistband of Emmanuel’s briefs, pausing for a split second, before taking them off. Emmanuel lifted his hips off the ground to help him.

“Oh God...” Emmanuel wheezed as he felt J.’s lean frame on his own.

“Are you okay?”

Emmanuel groaned. “Yeah...”

J. was looking at him patiently. Searching Emmanuel’s eyes, he moved his hand from his arm down to his stomach. Emmanuel felt incredibly hot. He couldn’t think straight, J.’s careful touch the only thing his brain was registering. He looked up at J., pleadingly, forcing his hand further down.

J. finished him off with a couple of tugs. Emmanuel released himself into J.’s hand and collapsed on his back. His mind felt incredibly clear, as if every thought had been wiped out. As he came to, he watched J. touching himself, eyes closed, until he came with a loud gasp.

As J. lay down beside him, Emmanuel cupped his face in one hand and kissed him lightly, a stupid smile spread all over his face as he pulled away. They huddled together, their arms and legs criss-crossing, and looked at each other’s faces.

“Mh...” Emmanuel placed a quick kiss onto J.’s hand.

Still looking at J., he felt contentment. Emmanuel mirrored J.’s tired smile and drew lines on his face as he slowly drifted off to sleep. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The adventure continues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, another chapter.
> 
> Also, I apologise. Those two have nothing better to do. D:

_I spread my love like a fever_   
_I ain’t ever coming down_

* * *

 

 

They didn’t travel much the next couple of weeks. Emmanuel and J. were content just spending their time talking, eating and sharing small touches in their quieter moments. Questioning J. about his life, Emmanuel would learn that J. had left home to escape the dreary monotony of rural Canada. J. hated being forced to live a life he didn’t believe in.

“There was nothing to keep me there.”

“Do you want to go back?” Emmanuel’s head was nestled in J.’s lap.

Running his hand through Emmanuel’s hair, J. replied, “I’m not sure.”

“I’m sure your family misses you...”

“Well...” J.’s voice turned a little heavier. “I don’t think they want me back.”

Emmanuel sat up and cupped J.’s face in his hand. “Why would you say that?”

J. swallowed hard. He kissed Emmanuel, trying to hide his expression.

“J. ...”

“Don’t you worry about me...”

“Okay...” Emmanuel wasn’t convinced.

They spent a while sitting in the shadow of the tree not far away from their tent, before collecting their things and getting ready to move on. By now, they had reached Illinois, but they didn’t know where their journey was going to lead them. They were just following the road, not looking back.

Emmanuel was resting his head on J.’s shoulder and felt the breeze on his face. The sun had started to set over the horizon. J. shouted over his shoulder that he would pull over at the next forest that would come their way.

Just a moment later, a forest appeared in the distance. Emmanuel was looking forward to dinner. His appetite hadn’t left him after all.

J. set up the tent all by himself, while Emmanuel was trying to start a fire.

“What are we having today?”

Emmanuel looked in his backpack. “Pea soup, I guess...”

“Sounds good.”

Placing the pot over the fire, Emmanuel reminded himself that they also had some bread left. He poured the soup into the pot and glanced over at J.’s back straining under his t-shirt. He had almost gotten used to that sight, but it still stirred up emotions inside of him he hadn’t known before meeting J..

“All set?” J. was rubbing his hands as he sat down opposite Emmanuel in front of the fire.

“Here, have some bread.”

“Manu, You’re the best.”

Emmanuel blushed and looked away for a moment. “Shut up...”

“I mean it.” J. bit into his slice. He gave a contented sigh.

They didn’t say much. They were hungrier from their day than either would have admitted.

“I would give anything for a poutine right now.”

Emmanuel wrinkled his nose. “You’re disgusting.”

“You’ve never tried it...”

As J. was finishing his meal, Emmanuel put out the fire and got up to get changed. J. followed just a moment later.

“I think you might need some help with that.” J. unbuttoned Emmanuel’s shirt and pulled it off his arms.

Stumbling inside the tent, they fell onto the floor in a bundle. J. laughed quietly. Emmanuel felt his pulse quicken as J.’s hands moved onto his jeans. “Wait. Wait a moment.” He placed a hand on J.’s arm.

“Okay.” J. looked into his eyes. He seemed sincere.

Emmanuel took off his clothes, one by one, while J. was watching him. Lying down on his back, Emmanuel waited for J. to follow. Reaching for his hand, Emmanuel pulled J. on top of himself.

“What do you want me to do?”

Emmanuel smiled, even though he felt more nervous than ever. J. brushed some hair out of his face.

“You look amazing...”

“Oh, shut up...” Emmanuel felt a little nauseous.

J. placed a kiss onto his neck. Humming to himself, Emmanuel buried a hand in J.’s hair. As J. moved further down, he arched his back into the touch and felt his legs straining from excitement.

“Easy...” J. squeezed Emmanuel’s left hand that was lying uselessly by his side.

Placing a kiss onto the inside of Emmanuel’s thigh, J. drew a helpless moan from Emmanuel’s mouth. He ran his right hand over Emmanuel’s leg and tried to calm him by pushing lightly against his belly with his left.

Impatiently, Emmanuel tried to grasp J. by his neck. As J. finally moved his mouth onto Emmanuel’s growing erection, Emmanuel almost lost it.

“Hey, hey...” J. cooed as he pulled away.

“Fuck...”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah...”

All Emmanuel could feel was the warmth of J.’s mouth. It nearly drove him over the edge.

Coming up for air, J. wiped Emmanuel’s face. “Okay?”

“Yes.”

“If you feel uncomfortable...”

“Stop asking...”

J. moved back down for a moment, running his tongue over Emmanuel's slick skin, until Emmanuel couldn’t hold himself back any longer. Meeting J.’s movements with his own, whining, he ended right there, the air pushed out of his lungs.

J. came back up and met him with a kiss. He looked pretty spent himself. Taking off his own clothes, J. lay down behind him and pulled Emmanuel’s body closer. Their hands were touching. Emmanuel felt J.’s legs, his chest, his head pressed against his own. He didn’t want to break the silence. J.’s breathing was too comforting.

A small kiss on the nape of his neck. Emmanuel sighed and pulled J.’s hand closer against himself.

“Good night.” J.’s voice vibrated against his shoulder.

“Good night.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The two boys are confused. Some angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I'm sorry for the explicit scenes. I didn't plan for this to happen.

_I’m waiting for you to say_  
_The words to make me stay_  
_As you’re walking out the door_  
_My heart sleeps on the floor_  
_I never dreamed it’d be_  
_You make me feel so free_

* * *

  
“Hi.”

“Hi.”

Emmanuel woke up to the sight of J., who was gazing at him in adoration.

“I watched you sleep.”

Emmanuel smiled bashfully and looked away for a moment.

“Don’t be embarrassed.” Cupping Emmanuel’s face in his hand, J. pulled him into a soft kiss. Sighing against J.’s lips, Emmanuel leaned even closer and felt J.’s hand sneaking into his hair, gently massaging his skull. He crawled towards J. under the blankets and snuggled his body against him.

“Yeah...” J. slipped a hand onto his derrière and pulled Emmanuel close, hooking his leg over his hip. Gasping at the contact, Emmanuel held onto J.’s back. As J. moved his lips onto Emmanuel’s shoulder, Emmanuel murmured nonsense, his senses overwhelmed by the early excitement.

“Merde...”

“Hm?”

Emmanuel felt something grow in the pit of his stomach. Was it hunger? All he knew was that it made it impossible to think. J. was looking at him a little concerned.

“You alright?”

“Yeah, yeah...” Emmanuel laughed, feeling embarrassed. He wanted to tell J. how he felt, but he felt too much. After all, they’d only known each other for a couple of weeks. To J. this probably wasn’t a big deal. Looking the way he did, Emmanuel was sure that he had people staring at him all the time. People who would give anything for his attention.

“What is it?”

“Nothing...”

J. ran a hand over his cheek. Trying to ignore the burning sensation and the greed forming in his insides, Emmanuel pulled away and lay on his back. He heard J.’s even breathing and felt J.’s hand on his arm. J. didn’t say anything, just held on to him.

Feeling for himself under the covers, Emmanuel tried to release some pressure. J.’s eyes were still on him, watching him patiently and his hand was squeezing his arm. Emmanuel moved his hand quickly, impatiently.

Wiping the sweat off Emmanuel’s face, J. murmured, “You look so beautiful...”.

“Shut up...”

“Perfect.”

Emmanuel groaned as he was hit by a wave of affection. He felt desperate.

“Fuck, you’re beautiful.”

“Shit...” Emmanuel whined as he spilled onto his fingers. J., his mere presence, was enough to stir up so many different emotions. Turning to look at him, Emmanuel saw a pained expression on his face. He couldn’t identify it.

“Come here...”

J. pulled him into an embrace. The feeling of J.’s heart beating against his chest calmed Emmanuel. They lay there for a long time, not speaking a word, only holding onto each other. Emmanuel was dozing off. J.’s hand was moving over his back, slowly, carefully tracing his skin.

As the day was moving towards noon, J. got up to get dressed. Emmanuel watched his naked back, the muscles moving under his skin, as he picked up his shirt from the floor. He wondered what J.’s back looked like during sex. He wondered what it must be like, feeling J. inside him. Emmanuel felt embarrassed again. Why was he thinking about that?

A little ashamed, Emmanuel hid his face in his arms. A moment later, he looked back up at J., who stood there with his briefs in his hand and looking back at him. J. looked so serious.

“I’ll have to pick up some things at the store. D’you need anything?”

Emmanuel shook his head.

“We need food.”

“Yes,” Emmanuel agreed.

J. pulled on his briefs and his jeans.

“Do you want me to come with you?”

“No. No.” J. seemed almost shocked.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Yeah... Just stay here and watch out for our things.” J. seemed very distracted. “I’ll be back soon.”

Kneeling down in front of him, J. kissed Emmanuel goodbye and turned to go. The sound of his boots could be heard from outside the tent until he had reached his bike and started the engine.

* * *

 

It took longer for J. to return from his trip than Emmanuel had expected. Around six, he started getting worried. Had something happened to him?

Emmanuel spent some time sitting outside, staring at the sky. He was trying to understand how he felt about J.. He was obviously very attracted to him. But another part of him was yearning for more, a deeper connection. How could he be sure that J. wanted the same?

And those looks that J. gave him. What did they mean? Was he questioning his choice to help Emmanuel on his journey? Did he regret being with him? Did he feel forced to help him because to him he was still like a child?  
Calming his anxiety, Emmanuel held onto his hope that J. could like him. It wasn’t completely unlikely, was it?

Finally, shortly before nightfall, J. returned to their campsite. Rushing inside the tent, dropping a bag on the floor, he fell onto his knees and pulled Emmanuel into a fervent kiss.

“I’m sorry it took me so long!” J. threw his jacket away from himself and pulled his shirt over his head. Instantly attacking Emmanuel’s mouth again, he grabbed his hair and pushed against him urgently.

“I missed you,” Emmanuel mumbled and cradled J.’s face in his hands.

Peeling their clothes off their bodies, they sank onto their bed site. Emmanuel felt things were moving too quickly for him, J.’s hands touching him everywhere. As they looked into each other’s eyes, Emmanuel felt how something tipped in that quiet moment. Something dark, deeply unsettling, was seeping into their bones.

“Emmanuel.”

Looking up into J.’s eyes, he saw an interesting mix between insecurity and pure want reflected in them.

“Yeah?”

“I...” J. cleared his throat. “I need to ask you something.”

Emmanuel waited patiently. J. turned a dark shade of red. He ran a hand over Emmanuel’s chest, avoiding his eyes. He seemed almost... shy. This seemed strange to Emmanuel. What could he, this confident guy, be shy about?

J. buried his face in Emmanuel’s shoulder, his hands digging into his hips. Emmanuel inhaled the scent of J.’s sweat drying on his skin. He was leaning back and closed his eyes. J. moved his mouth to Emmanuel’s ear and said, his voice full of desperation, “I... I want to fuck you, Manu...”.

A shiver running down his spine, Emmanuel was stroking over J.’s curls.

“Shit... I’m sorry. That came out wrong. Sorry.” J. sounded so upset.

“No. I mean... yes. It’s okay. I... I want to.” Emmanuel stumbled over his own words.

“Okay...” J. placed a kiss onto Emmanuel’s forehead. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” Emmanuel bit his lips. “I’m sure.”

“Okay...” J. pulled away. He grabbed his bag and looked through it. A moment later, he was back on top of Emmanuel and grabbed his legs.

Emmanuel gazed up at him, his heart tightening in his chest, and smiled encouragingly. Still, J. couldn’t look at him.

“Are you really sure?”

“Yes.”

J. was moving slowly, running his hand down Emmanuel’s thigh before entering him, carefully preparing him. Emmanuel gasped at the contact, excited and scared at the same time. As J. entered another finger, Emmanuel arched his back, tilting his hips to meet J.’s movements.

“Are you scared?”

Emmanuel met his eyes and smiled softly. “Yeah, a little...”

Suddenly, J. retreated.

“Fuck. Shit. Don’t tell me I’m your first...”

“What?” Emmanuel whined, feeling needy.

“God, I am. Right?”

Emmanuel groaned and reached for J.’s arm.

“I’m so sorry.”

“What? Why?”

“I don’t know what I’m doing...”

Emmanuel groaned exasperatedly. “J.! I want it to be you.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t...”

“Please, J.!”

J. moved to get up, but Emmanuel held onto his arms. “J. Please.” As J. didn’t react, Emmanuel kissed him. “I want you to be my first.”

Reluctantly, J. moved back and placed his fingers back inside him. Emmanuel was already pretty exhausted.

“I’m ready,” he whispered.

J. swallowed hard. “Okay.”

J. retreated for a short moment. Emmanuel heard the sound of a wrapper being torn open. His whole body was flush with excitement. He had never felt this nervous in his life before.

Slowly pushing inside him, J. let out a long-drawn groan. He rested his head against Emmanuel’s leg, trying to control his breathing. “God...” He was holding onto Emmanuel’s shoulders.

Emmanuel sighed as J. pulled out again, every nerve in his body screaming at the sensation. Before he could breathe in, J. had already moved back. His breath caught in the back of his throat, Emmanuel lifted his hips to allow J. to push even deeper.

“Shit...” J. whined and met him with stuttering movements.

They started moving more desperately, their movements almost in synch, until J. couldn’t hold himself back any longer and came with a breathless whine. Emmanuel rolled his hips against him as he felt J. hitting him at just the right angle.

As he pulled out, J. fell on top of Emmanuel. Crying quietly and out of breath, he breathed, “I love you.”

Emmanuel felt a dull pain forming in his stomach. How could he reply to such a confession? He wasn’t ready. He didn’t know what he was doing. Looking up at J., cupping his face in his hands, he saw something in his eyes. Fear.

For the lack of something to say, Emmanuel pulled J. into a kiss. As they pulled apart, breathless, Emmanuel cradled J.’s head on his chest, running his hands through J.’s hair. It hit him out of nowhere. All that time he had thought it was him who was scared and inexperienced, but in that moment he felt like he was the mature and confident man who helped J. get out of his shell.

What a strange position to be in.

J. couldn’t meet his eyes. Emmanuel kept stroking through J.’s curls, hoping to dissolve his fears. A tenderness overcame him as he gazed at J. dozing off, his hands clenched in his lap. How had he not noticed J.’s feelings before?


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emmanuel notices a change in their relationship, but doesn't know where it came from.

_Help yourself don't say a thing_   
_What love you show won't mean a thing at all_   
_If all you do is talk_

* * *

 

 

Emmanuel woke to the sound of J. zipping up his bag. He had gotten dressed and was walking in and out of the tent. Squinting at the light streaming in from outside, Emmanuel held a hand in front of his eyes and looked up at J..

“Good morning...”

J. didn’t seem to have heard him.

“Hey, J.! What are you doing?”

Picking up a blanket, J. drily replied, “Well, what does it look like?”

“Is there a reason why you are packing your things?”

“We have to move on. Weather’s getting worse.”

Emmanuel was confused. “But the weather was no problem before...”

“I just need to sleep in a proper bed for a couple of days, that’s all. My back is killing me.”

“Okay...” Emmanuel grasped one of J.’s legs as he was walking by him. “Hey, J., could you just stop for a minute?”

J. sighed. “Kid, we really should be going...”

“Kid?” Emmanuel giggled. “You haven’t called me that since... I don’t know?”

“What do you want, Emmanuel?”

“I really don’t get why you are so moody today. Come here...” Getting up on his knees, Emmanuel pulled J. down towards himself and pulled him into a quick kiss. It lasted for a short moment, J. breathing in through his nose and softening under Emmanuel’s touch, but then he pulled away abruptly.

“Hey...”

J. went outside.

Emmanuel felt annoyed. J. was acting so weird, as if they barely knew each other. Had he done anything wrong? J. really should talk about his feelings more, he decided for himself.

* * *

 

They were back on the road. J. had mumbled something about Chicago, so Emmanuel assumed that was where they were headed. They didn’t stop on the way, which seemed strange to Emmanuel, but perhaps J. really wanted to reach the city as soon as possible.

J. seemed just as distant as he had in the morning, so Emmanuel thought it was best to leave him brooding to himself. Things would work out, he was certain about that.

They booked into a very cheap hotel around 3 pm. Emmanuel fell onto the bed as soon as they had entered their room. J. went to the window and pulled it open. The sounds of the city filtered in from outside.

Turning back towards Emmanuel, J. kneeled down on the bed and unbuckled Emmanuel’s belt.

“Oh, okay...” Emmanuel laughed quietly. “I don’t mind...”

“Shut up.” It sounded like a threat.

Frowning at J., Emmanuel wondered where this was going. “You really should talk to me.”

J. ignored him and pulled down his jeans. Emmanuel stared up at him through wide eyes. He couldn’t read the expression on J.’s face, he just knew something was off.

Throwing his jacket onto the floor and pulling his shirt over his head, J. seemed angry. His movements were very stiff, almost as if he was trying to contain himself. Emmanuel ran a hand over J.’s chest, but instead of calming him down he only seemed to infuriate J. even more.

“Don’t touch me.”

“Hey, okay...”

J. removed Emmanuel’s remaining clothes and pinned his arms over his head. It felt very exciting, but Emmanuel was scared that J. was going to do something rash. As J. grabbed his legs, Emmanuel whined at his harsh grip.

“Hey, slow down...”

J. ripped open the condom wrapper with his teeth and kept a tight grip on Emmanuel’s leg. Breathing unevenly, Emmanuel watched J. getting ready. Even then, J. looked incredible.

J. softened as he pushed inside of him. Emmanuel held onto J.’s back with one hand and onto the bed sheets with the other. Moving against each other, they tried to suppress the sounds that were escaping their mouths, but Emmanuel couldn’t hold himself back, wailing helplessly as J. pushed with even greater force.

“Fuck!” J. groaned and pulled Emmanuel’s hips even closer against himself.

“Yeah...” Emmanuel babbled under his breath.

Then, just as J. was about to come, he pulled out and cursed to himself. “Fuck...”

“Hey, what’s up?” Emmanuel whined as J. let his hips out of his grip. “Hey, J.!”

No reply. J. rolled off the bed and went to the bathroom.

“J.! What’s wrong?!” Emmanuel ran a hand through his hair, feeling exhausted. “We really should talk...”

Returning to the bed, J. picked up his clothes and started putting on his jeans.

“J.. Where are you going?”

“I’m going out for a smoke. Could be out for a while...”

Emmanuel sighed. “This won’t solve anything...”

J. was already moving towards the door.

“J.. Seriously, what’s going on?” Emmanuel was desperate, tears of frustration forming in his eyes. He didn’t understand.

J. didn’t reply, just opened the door and left Emmanuel to himself.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> J. keeps acting weird and Emmanuel doesn't know what to do.

_Climbed so high, can't escape what you dream_   
_You feel it in your bones, but never ease_   
_It's in your touch, but you can't feel a thing_   
_You're trying not to look at the face you see_   
  
_Why won't you lose yourself_   
_Why won't you lose yourself_   
_Why won't you lose yourself_   
_At all_

* * *

 

Emmanuel had spent the previous day waiting for J.’s return. He was worried about him. J. wasn’t one to share his deepest feelings, which meant it was very hard for Emmanuel to help him.

Maybe it was something J. felt Emmanuel wouldn’t understand. But even then Emmanuel wanted to show him he cared. Even then he wanted to be there for him.

It was very strange how Emmanuel had developed this intimate bond with J.. He still barely knew him. But he knew one thing: J. gave him the feeling that he was understood. Understood in a way Emmanuel had never been understood before.

The empty sheets next to him looked so sad. He couldn’t distract himself. He tried reading, he tried writing, but his mind would always go back to J.. The way he would nudge him as he woke up, greeting him with a low, “Morning”, which always got Emmanuel’s blood racing.

The feeling of J.’s skin against his own, the mismatched movements of hands on limbs, trying to pull each other even closer in a weak attempt to mold into one. Emmanuel was scared this would all be gone now. Had he lost J.?

Waking up sometime between nightfall and dawn, Emmanuel felt J. lying down next to him in the dark. Extending a hand to stroke over the space between J.’s shoulder blades, he felt J. shrink under his touch, as if he had been stung. Emmanuel’s heart felt very heavy, aching for a revelation. He didn’t want J. to feel so low.

He crawled towards J. on the bed, sliding a hand under J.’s arm and pulling him into an embrace. J. sighed heavily. His breathing sounded shallow, as if he had been crying. Emmanuel couldn’t calm himself, worry making it impossible to sleep.

Placing a soft kiss on the back of J.’s neck, Emmanuel buried his face there, breathing in his scent and listening to the small sounds J. couldn’t hold back. He seemed uneasy. But he didn’t move away, as if he secretly wanted to stay like this but felt bad about it for some reason.

Emmanuel hummed against J.’s back, hoping to calm himself more than anything else. But J. also seemed to grow less tense. His shoulders relaxed and he even pulled Emmanuel closer to himself.

All of this seemed to have vanished from J.’s mind as they woke up in the morning. He was back to his brooding self, ignoring all of Emmanuel’s advances.

“J.! Can’t you tell me what’s wrong?”

But J. kept avoiding him.

As they went to get breakfast, J. didn’t eat anything, just sat there opposite Emmanuel. Emmanuel could barely manage to get anything down. He wanted to help him, but J. made that impossible.

“Please, say something...”

Nothing.

Then J. got up and returned with a bourbon. Emmanuel decided not to comment on it.

The rest of the day was even worse. As they went back to their room, J. slumped down on the bed and stared into space. Emmanuel pretended he was reading, but really looked at J. every couple of minutes, checking on any reaction.

J. would leave the room a couple of times, only to come back even moodier and reeking of alcohol. Emmanuel started to feel scared. Around seven, J. started rambling.

“You should really mind your own business...”

Emmanuel felt a sting in his heart. “I really don’t understand what you are so angry about.”

“Well, there’s nothing to understand anyway...”

“Hey...” Emmanuel placed a hand on J.’s arm.

“Don’t fucking touch me!”

Feeling his hand being pushed away, Emmanuel stepped away from J.. “Please, tell me what’s wrong!” Angry tears were forming in his eyes.

“Leave me alone!” J. grew even louder and glared at Emmanuel menacingly. He was towering over him and stepped closer.

Emmanuel felt himself being pushed against the wall as J. was breathing into his face. He was crying quietly, waiting for J. to strike him, but all J. did was looking him up and down like prey.

“What do you want, Emmanuel?”

“P-please...”

“I won’t hurt you.”

Emmanuel pressed his hands against J.’s chest and was trying to push against him.

“Kid...”

“Stop calling me that.”

J. pulled away. Emmanuel released the breath he had been holding and stepped away from J., who was staring at him.

“I don’t know what I’m doing here...” J. laughed sarcastically and shook his head. “Don’t wait up on me. I’ll be at the bar.”

He left as if nothing had happened.

Emmanuel hid under his blankets and cried to himself on his bed. He didn’t know where he should go. He knew that J.’s behaviour was killing him, but he couldn’t imagine a single day out of his reach. He needed him.

J. couldn’t mean all those things he said. J. had shown him that he cared. Had all those nights, those moments of intimacy only been a way for J. to pass the time?

But then... What had he meant when he had confessed his love? J. had sounded so sincere, almost helpless, as if he couldn’t help those feelings he obviously had for him.

And Emmanuel couldn't deny how he felt about J.. If their feelings were mutual, what was it that bothered J. so much?

So, in between the heavy sobs that were rattling his chest, Emmanuel decided he would tell J. how he felt the next day. He would tell him straight that he refused to spend one more day deprived of that something they had created between themselves.

Emmanuel knew that J. was robbing every last bit of his energy. And still, he loved him.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A turn of events.

Myplaylist for the story so far:

__

__

__

_Here's to the beauty of the stars_  
_Here's to the travellers on the open road_  
_Here's to the dreamers in the bars_

 _Here's to the strangers on the streets tonight_  
_Here's to the lonely everywhere_

 _Here's to you my little love_  
_Let the day begin_

* * *

Waking up with a sigh, Emmanuel felt a familiar weight settling on top of him. He wasn’t sure whether he was still dreaming. He could hear J.’s quiet breathing.

“J. ... Is that you?”

“Mh...”

Emmanuel sighed again as J. placed a kiss onto his neck. He wanted to touch him, to make sure he was really there, but his limbs were still too heavy from sleep.

“I’m so sorry, baby...”

He felt touched by J.’s sudden honesty.

“I’m so sorry about all those things I said and did.”

Emmanuel hummed as J. kissed his face. “It’s okay...”

“No.” J.’s voice sounded heavy. “No, it’s not okay. I am such an idiot. I don’t know what got into me.”

They shared a hungry kiss.

“I’m really sorry. I should have never acted out like that. I love you, Emmanuel.”

J. started crying. Emmanuel was breathing heavily, running his hands through J.’s hair.

“I love you.” J. pressed his nose against Emmanuel’s cheek. His whole body was shaking from his sobs. If only Emmanuel knew why J. felt so devastated.

“Hey...” He pulled J.’s head onto his chest and cradled it in his hands. “It’s okay...”

“I don’t know how I can make it up to you...”

Emmanuel felt a tear sliding down his face. “Just tell me what’s wrong...”

J. shook his head and buried his face in Emmanuel’s chest.

“I don’t know how to help you.” His voice broke.

“Manu, you’ve done more than enough...” J. came back up and pulled Emmanuel into a sloppy kiss. “I love you.”

They kissed for a while. J. calmed down and relaxed against Emmanuel’s body. His need coming to life, Emmanuel ran his hands down J.’s back, taking in the feeling of J.’s muscles tensing up against his fingers. J. was pushing against him.

“Was it something I said?” Emmanuel asked, while J. grabbed at his hips.

“No... No, no, please... This has nothing to do with you.” J. sat up and looked into his eyes. “Please, Emmanuel. Don’t blame yourself. I hate that I dragged you into my shit... I’m sorry. I’m just an asshole.”

Emmanuel laughed. “You’re not an asshole.”

“Manu.” J. cupped his face in his hand. “Stop that.”

Emmanuel closed his eyes for a moment. He was overcome with those emotions brewing inside of him. He felt sad. He felt greedy. Most of all, he sensed a deep longing, a longing that he had not shared with J. yet.

He knew he had to tell him.

The sudden touch of J.’s lips on the heel of his foot brought Emmanuel back to the present. He whined at the unexpected agitation. His senses were all over the place. J. moved his lips further up his leg, mouthing over Emmanuel’s calf, which sent his feelings on edge.

“Oh God...” Emmanuel moved his hips towards J. as he was placing kisses on the inside of his thigh. “Shit.” Running his hands through his hair, Emmanuel waited for J. to return. A second later, J. was moving up his other leg.

“Yes.”

J. smiled against his left thigh and placed a hand on the other. “Do you like that?”

“Yes...” Emmanuel grew impatient.

J. sat up and moved his hands under Emmanuel’s shirt, running them over the skin on his back. “Is that okay?”

“Mh... yeah...”

Emmanuel was losing control over himself. He had never wanted anything more. He felt his own need with an urgency, he couldn’t hold back. Groaning at J.’s hands on his flush skin, he grabbed J.’s hair and muttered to himself.

“You’re so beautiful,” J. muttered against his cheek.

Emmanuel had seemingly lost his ability to speak. He hummed as J. pulled his shirt over his head. Next, J. moved his hands onto his briefs, which seemed harder to remove than usual, at least it seemed like an eternity to Emmanuel.

Finally, as J.’s naked body was pushing against him, Emmanuel felt overcome with relief.

“Are you okay?”

“Mh...”

J. pulled open the drawer of the bedside table.

“Ah, shit...”

“Mh, what?” Emmanuel looked up at him. J. was thinking.

“Wait a second.”

Emmanuel whined as J. got up from the bed. J. was looking through his bag, cursing under his breath. Finally, he crawled back on top of Emmanuel and gently moved his fingers inside him. Pushing carefully, he drove all sorts of sounds out of his mouth.

“Okay?”

“Yes!” Emmanuel breathed and tugged at J.’s arm.

“Okay...” J. laughed quietly and moved his hand away.

“Don’t stop...”

Emmanuel gazed up at J. and it struck him how lucky he was to have found him. J. was troubled, but Emmanuel knew he would not have it any different. J.’s flaws made him into the person he was, even if it meant that they had to work it out together. Emmanuel was optimistic. Things would work out eventually and they could spend the rest of their lives together.

Moving back carefully, J. pushed inside of him. Emmanuel’s heart was pounding in his chest, his breath hitching with every movement. J.’s face expressed extreme concentration as he pulled Emmanuel closer to himself.

“J. ...”

Panting against Emmanuel’s shoulder, J. paused for a moment. Sweat was dripping from his face onto Emmanuel’s skin. Emmanuel was holding onto J.’s neck, feeling the heat radiating from him. His legs were straining from exhaustion as he was pulling J. closer.

“God...” J. was shivering as he pulled away. Emmanuel could tell J. was just as close as he was himself. “Oh God...” J.’s grip on Emmanuel’s shoulders grew stronger as his movements grew more desperate. Emmanuel whined and tilted his back as far as he could.

J. was pulling Emmanuel hard against himself until he came with a shuddering groan. His hands slipped off Emmanuel’s shoulders and he pressed their foreheads together as he sank onto Emmanuel’s body.

“Amazing...” J. whispered.

They collapsed on the bed and J. pulled out of Emmanuel.

Lying on his back, Emmanuel was trying to catch his breath. Looking at J., he was watching the rapid rise and fall of his chest. J.’s breath was rattling in his lungs. Gazing over at Emmanuel, a deep satisfaction spread all over J.’s face. “You’re so beautiful...”

Emmanuel smiled. “So are you, J.”

"Please...” J. extended a hand to touch his face. “It’s Justin.”

* * *

A few hours later they managed to go down to eat breakfast. Emmanuel still couldn’t believe his luck. He kept touching Justin’s face, his hand, his leg under the table, just to make himself believe Justin hadn’t left him. Justin couldn’t stop smiling.

They ate in silence, only slipping each other furtive glances every now and then. Emmanuel felt a warmth spreading all over his body. He considered Justin’s lashes that looked so perfect whenever he bowed his head in embarrassment.

“Manu, stop looking at me like that. You make me blush...”

Emmanuel’s smile grew even wider.

They finished their meal and went back up to their room. Justin had started thinking aloud that they should pack up soon and get moving, after all there were some places left he still wanted to show to Emmanuel. He continued his elaborations as they entered the room, but he was cut short by Emmanuel who pushed him against the wall.

“Oh, what’s...”

Emmanuel pressed his lips against him, drawing a desperate sigh from Justin, who pulled him closer against himself immediately.

“The bed...” Emmanuel demanded breathlessly in between kisses. Justin merely nodded and carried him over, setting him down on the covers, while his hands began working on his fly.

“Shit...” Justin laughed to himself as his fingers didn’t seem to be able to carry out the movement.

“Let me take off your shirt...”

Justin pushed Emmanuel further onto the bed and bent over him to allow Emmanuel to unbutton his shirt. Feeling overwhelmed with emotion, Emmanuel placed kisses onto Justin’s chest.

“Yeah...” Justin moved his hands onto Emmanuel’s hips and pushed against him.

“Wow...” Emmanuel fell onto his back and pulled Justin down with him, wrapping his legs around his waist in the process.

“Ugh...” Justin pushed his hips forward involuntarily. He was rubbing impatiently against Emmanuel and cursed under his breath.

“Justin...” Emmanuel breathed. “Take off my clothes.”

Justin obeyed his order and slowly unzipped Emmanuel’s jeans. Ignoring his obvious impatience, Justin took his time. The jeans were first, then Emmanuel’s shirt. As Emmanuel lay there spread out in front of him, completely out of breath, Justin pulled down the last piece of clothing. Emmanuel was gazing up into his eyes. He knew he couldn’t keep it together for much longer.

Justin undressed himself and was about to lie down on top of Emmanuel when he was stopped by a hand on his chest.

“Stay like this,” Emmanuel demanded. Justin was sitting up on his knees. He looked so expectant it only added to Emmanuel’s hunger. Emmanuel handed Justin a condom and the bottle of lube. He nodded at Justin and waited until he was ready. Then, slowly, Emmanuel pushed himself up on his elbows and allowed Justin to pull him on top of himself.

Emmanuel felt Justin’s hand on his back, supporting him as they were moving against each other. Holding onto the headboard, Emmanuel tried to keep his voice as low as possible. But he couldn’t restrain himself for long.

“You sound amazing, Manu,” Justin cooed, his voice strained from exertion.

Emmanuel’s low groan turned into a whimper as Justin pushed with his last bit of strength. His hands failed to rest their grip and dropped to his side. Now the only thing that was still holding him were Justin’s hands. Falling against him out of breath, Justin placed his hands on both sides of Emmanuel’s waist and let him down gently.

“You okay?”

Emmanuel nodded weakly, his hands grasping Justin’s neck.

“I think you need some help there...”

Justin moved his hand over Emmanuel’s body and got him off. Emmanuel was wriggling uselessly in Justin’s grasp, too exhausted to meet his movements.

As they lay down to rest, Justin pulled Emmanuel against him and held him close. Emmanuel sighed quietly and dozed off in Justin’s arms.

* * *

Emmanuel didn’t know how late it was when he woke up. He guessed it was still around noon. The sun shone in through the curtains, warming his face. Justin had left the bed, which sent Emmanuel into a panic, until he heard singing from the bathroom.

Stretching his arms, he decided to check up on Justin. He got to his feet, slipped into his briefs, and made his way across the room. Justin stood in the middle of the bathroom and shaved in front of the sink. He didn’t notice Emmanuel until Emmanuel put his arms around him from behind, drawing a content sigh from him.

“Hi.” Justin turned around to kiss him. Emmanuel smiled against his lips and grabbed Justin’s behind under the towel around his waist. Justin hummed quietly and threw his razor into the sink.

“Back to bed?”

Emmanuel smiled and kissed him once more before taking his hand and guiding him back into the other room. They sat down on the bed and Emmanuel got undressed. He bit his lips as he watched Justin taking off his towel.

“You look amazing...” Justin looked almost sad. He ran a hand over Emmanuel’s knee. It seemed as if he was waiting for Emmanuel to tell him what he wanted.

Emmanuel looked into his eyes and pushed him off the bed with his foot. Justin lay down on the floor and waited. Emmanuel took his time. He kept his eyes on Justin while moving his hands onto himself. He was moving his hand frantically, impatiently. Justin was gazing at him quietly, which only increased Emmanuel’s distress.

He lay on the bed for a moment after his release, but then climbed down into Justin’s lap. They kissed for a minute before Justin flipped him onto his back and worked him up into a state of intense satisfaction. Emmanuel was pushing against Justin’s fingers, forgetting everything else around him.

“Easy...” Justin released him for a moment and allowed him to breathe. Emmanuel felt too weak to go on, his limbs still hurting from the day’s exercise.

“I need a break.”

“Okay.” Justin smiled and lay down next to him on the floor. He looked so in awe it was hard for Emmanuel to speak. His stomach contracted painfully as he ran a hand over Justin’s face.

“Are you okay, honey?”

Emmanuel nodded and buried his face in Justin’s chest. He wanted to stay in his arms forever.

“I can’t believe I hurt you... I’m really sorry.”

Emmanuel took a deep breath. “It’s really okay, Justin.”

Justin placed a kiss on the top of his head. “I love the sound of you saying my name...”

“Hm...”

“I could listen to you forever...”

“Stop saying things like that.”

Justin seemed irritated. “I really mean that, don’t you understand...”

“Well, I’m just a kid...”

Justin groaned. “Emmanuel, you are so much more than that!” He pulled away to look into his eyes. “I have never, never, felt the way I do with anyone else before. Manu... I’m not sure what you think this is, but it means so much to me. Really. Truly.”

“Stop that...” Emmanuel was blushing furiously.

“I love you so much.” Justin played with one of Emmanuel’s curls. “So much.”

“Why do you say that...”

“That’s how I feel. I can’t stand being away from you. These last two days... I couldn’t sleep. I was trying not to think about you.”

“Why?”

“Emmanuel. There are things you don’t understand. But believe me when I say I don’t want to leave you.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yes. Very sure.” Justin laughed quietly.

“Okay.”

Emmanuel fixed his eyes on Justin’s. He didn’t say anything, but Justin seemed to understand. Justin rolled him onto his back. Emmanuel felt every muscle in his body, the exhaustion was almost overwhelming, but Justin was so careful. His hands were pressing lightly against Emmanuel’s shoulders and he moved so slowly.

“Oh God...”

Justin stopped for a moment, holding himself back. “Do you want me to stop?”

“No. No. Please...” Emmanuel couldn’t hide the desperation in his voice. “Please...”

Justin was moving faster. Emmanuel’s voice was a mere whimper. They were moving together, Emmanuel’s hands trying to find something to hold onto, but it was too much. Justin sounded so exhausted.

Softening under Justin's hands, Emmanuel felt so close. There was no thought inside his head, he only knew that he wanted to draw Justin even closer. 

Justin was trembling, his hands slipping down onto Emmanuel’s backside, and pulling him against himself. He released his breath and let himself fall onto Emmanuel’s frame.

Finally, lying there on top of each other, Justin’s limbs entwined with his own, Emmanuel was sure. He was sure of something he had doubted before that moment.

He knew that he was in love.

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well... On their way to Detroit.

_Wanna speak what I've seen_  
_Wanna reach what I've dreamed_  
_Wanna be kind_  
  
_Wanna seal what I've cut_  
_Wanna hear without rush_  
_Wanna ease time_  
  
_With your hand on your loss_  
_Our scene truly cost_  
_No one told you_  
  
_And we grew from the day_  
_Into night I'm ashamed_  
_I will join you_  
  
_I've been awake through the wrong descisions_  
_I've held my ground now I'm gaining soul_  
_I bit my tongue through the cold realisations_  
_I've been accused, but I've only begun_  
_Take me on, take me on_  
_I've been awake, shaking to a rage_  
_I've been awake, shaking to a rage_  
  
_In the end only once_  
_All you need is a touch_  
_Wanna see love_  
  
_Every thought you'll be shown_  
_Every act will be known_  
_I defend you_  
  
_We'll awake every sound_  
_Every chance I'll be found_  
_I'll be with you_  
  
_To the end now you come_  
_Show your hands to the ones_  
_To behold you_

* * *

 

 

Their trip to Detroit was delayed until five. Justin literally had to drag Emmanuel out of bed. They got dressed together and then moved their luggage down to Justin’s bike. Justin paid for their room and then mounted his motorcycle.

“We have to get moving, it’s almost 300 miles.”

“Okay.” Emmanuel settled behind him. “When do you think we could be there?”

“Midnight maybe...”

Emmanuel could tell that the trip would be tough. It was late October already and the sun would set very soon. Most of their trip would be in the dark.

They took a break at a roadway gas station to grab some food, while Justin refilled his bike. That was around nine. Just shortly before midnight they finally reached a shabby motel. Checking them in, Justin stood at the counter and retrieved their keys. Emmanuel was already standing near the stairs, his exhaustion almost overpowering.

“Come onnnn,” he whined and dragged Justin upstairs.

“Yeah, yeah...” Justin laughed quietly. He closed the door behind himself. “So, you want to sleep already?”

“Mh, I’m so tired...”

“I should be more tired than you, you know...”

“Yeah, shut up.”

Emmanuel took off his clothes and threw them over the armchair in the corner near the window. He didn’t care. He fell face-down onto the bed.

“Hey, sweetie... I need some room here.” Justin gently squeezed himself next to Emmanuel on the bed.

“Mhhhh...” Emmanuel felt so heavy. He swore to himself he could sleep on the spot. Justin ran a hand through his hair, lulling him to sleep. Emmanuel hummed comfortably.

A little while later, Emmanuel woke to the sound of Justin breathing heavily.

“Justin... what are you doing?”

“Couldn’t sleep.”

“I am trying to sleep here... There’s a bathroom, you know...”

Justin ignored him and moved his hand even quicker.

“Mh... Come here...” Emmanuel grabbed Justin by his arms and pulled him against himself. “I’m awake now after all...”

Justin sighed in exasperation. “Well...”

“I love your hugs...” Emmanuel trailed off and held onto Justin’s hands. Justin seemed a bit restless. He was breathing against Emmanuel’s shoulder, unable to hide his excitement.

“Emmanuel?”

“Mh...?”

“I know you’re really tired, but...”

Emmanuel smiled to himself. He was starting to enjoy the power he had over him. “Yes?”

“I really can’t sleep.”

“So?”

Justin made a an annoyed sound. “Forget it...”

“What?”

Justin freed his hands from Emmanuel’s grasp and sat up to leave the bed.

“Come on, Justin...” Emmanuel ran a hand over his shoulder, feeling Justin tensing up against him. “I really don’t get why you’re acting so strange.”

“Manu...” Justin started.

“Come back to bed.”

Justin seemed to consider his offer for a moment and then moved back towards him. Taking Emmanuel’s hips into his hands, he flipped him onto his side and ran his nose over Emmanuel’s spine. Emmanuel gasped at the sensation and hummed his consent.

“You’re so beautiful...”

Emmanuel pulled Justin’s right hand into his own and squeezed it lightly.

“Manu...” Placing a hand onto Emmanuel’s firm butt, Justin was rubbing against him needily, lips moving over his shoulder. Emmanuel dug his teeth into his bottom lip, desperately trying not to make a sound. But Justin kept pushing against him, murmuring obscenities, hands moving down Emmanuel’s thighs. He cried out as he felt Justin’s finger tracing a line down his back.

“Do you still want me to go to the bathroom?”

Emmanuel grabbed Justin’s thigh from behind and pulled him even closer. “No... Please...”

“What do you want?”

Emmanuel swallowed, thinking his words over.

“Manu...”

“God...” Emmanuel was struggling to breathe, Justin’s hands were everywhere. His chest, his neck, his face as Justin was nibbling on his earlobe. “Do that again...”

“Mh...” Justin obliged and nearly drove Emmanuel insane. “I think I have to grab my bag for a second...”

“Yes.” Emmanuel groaned as Justin moved away. He tried to catch his breath. “Hurry up!”

“Don’t worry, honey, I’m already here...”

Justin was quick to get himself and Emmanuel ready, but treated Emmanuel with the greatest care, as if he was afraid he could break him. They didn’t last for long, but feeling Justin’s hips digging into him from behind, the desperation of their bodies moving against each other, was a sensation that would burn itself into the back of Emmanuel’s mind forever. Justin tilted Emmanuel’s leg, pushing it forwards, and pulled him even harder against himself.

Emmanuel had lost all sense of time, his senses only focused on the rapid friction of Justin inside of him. His quiet whimper seemed to bring Justin to a close as his grip softened on Emmanuel’s hips and his breathing stopped for a moment.

“Oh God...” Justin took a moment before he pulled out. He breathed in Emmanuel’s scent on his neck and placed a quick kiss there. “That was so good...”

Emmanuel couldn’t say anything. He was too exhausted.

“Are you okay, honey?”

Emmanuel felt a deep affection. He hummed quietly and let Justin pull him into an embrace.

“You smell incredible.”

* * *

 

They barely left the room during the day, only getting some food from the nearby gas station when they got hungry. They would return and lie on the bed together, holding each other’s hands and enjoying the time they had to themselves. Emmanuel’s heart felt very heavy in his chest as he was gazing into Justin’s eyes. He briefly thought of a time where they couldn’t be together and he couldn’t bear thinking too much about it. He kissed Justin instead and melted in his arms.

For dinner they went to a bar just up the road. In the dark, they were holding hands, and Justin bent down to kiss him.

“Not here...”

Justin pulled away breathlessly. “Are you afraid someone might see us?”

“No. No. I just... don’t feel comfortable.”

Justin seemed a little disappointed, but didn’t say anything.

Once they were inside the bar, Justin headed for a table in the far back, partly obscured from view. Justin went to get some food and returned with two burgers and fries. Eating in silence, Justin couldn’t help but rub a hand over Emmanuel’s thigh under the table.

“Stop...” Emmanuel nearly choked on his fries. He looked at Justin very seriously. He wanted nothing more than to run a hand over Justin’s face, but he only stared at him.

“God... you should see yourself...” Justin looked almost sad as he was looking at him.

Emmanuel blushed and forced himself to smile. His insides were burning from the extreme emotions caused by that beautiful man. That man who was his and no one else’s. Emmanuel was shocked to discover this possessive side of him.

He cleared his throat. “More drinks?”

“Sure, honey. I’d love to.” Justin managed to sneak in a kiss as Emmanuel bent down to pick up his glass. Unable to pull away, Emmanuel allowed Justin to run a hand over the back of his neck. As he released Emmanuel, Justin was smiling from cheek to cheek, beaming at him as he was making his way to the counter.

Emmanuel had to tell him. Tell him how he felt. He really wanted to let Justin know he couldn’t imagine a life without him. But he was scared. Knowing Justin, he probably thought it was a bourgeois concept. Staying with the same person forever. But Emmanuel had to let him know anyway. He had to take his chances.

Emmanuel was making up his mind as he went back to the table. He was sure. He was going to tell him about the future he had imagined for them together. Barely noticing the other person who had joined Justin at the table, Emmanuel stopped two tables away.

“Heeeey, Justin!”

Emmanuel froze. He looked up from his drinks and saw a woman sitting on the table and looking at Justin in awe.

“How is my favourite lovebird?”

Emmanuel couldn’t hear what exactly Justin replied, but then the woman spoke again.

“I haven’t heard from you a while. Funny to meet you here. I thought you were up in Ottawa with your fiancée? How is she anyway?”

The words hadn’t quite registered with Emmanuel, but he was moving the last steps towards the table and placed the drinks in front of Justin.

“Oh, hey, are you a friend? Justin is very sociable, you know... What’s your name?”

“E-Emmanuel,” he stuttered and shook her hand. He was glancing over at Justin, who was avoiding his eyes.

“Justin, I like your new friend here... Emmanuel. Beautiful name. France, I guess?”

Emmanuel nodded stupefied. He had stopped feeling anything.

“I’m Jessica, by the way. Sorry for Justin, he can be pretty awkward sometimes.”

Emmanuel wanted to laugh. He wanted to do anything to lighten the mood, anything to make Justin look at him again. He didn’t understand what was happening.

“Your friend seems nice. Very handsome as well.”

“I... I need to go.” Emmanuel faked a smile and left the two at the table. He felt Jessica’s confused eyes on him as he moved away. He couldn’t feel himself, he was leaving the bar as if he was in a dream.

He didn’t notice that he was trembling, neither that he crossed the street without looking. A car barely missed him. The driver shouted at him, but Emmanuel just kept going.

He went inside the motel and up the stairs. Another guest stared at him as he passed him in the hallway upstairs, but Emmanuel kept going. Straight inside his room. He hadn’t noticed that he had taken the keys from the table in the bar.

He hadn’t noticed anything, but as soon as he closed the door behind himself, he sat down on the bed and stared at the wall. He was very quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the distress, but...


	13. Chapter 13

_I can't wait for long I'm sorry, all I have has left me gone_  
_I can't stay for long I'm sorry, all that's left me kept me strong_

_All I have will go, all I have will go_  
_And I move on, and I move on_  
_And I am aching, and I'm aching_

* * *

 

It took a moment for everything to sink in.

Emmanuel felt numb. His mind couldn’t make sense of what he had heard. He knew that he should understand, that he should know how to proceed. But instead there was nothing.

He hadn’t questioned the point of his journey. Not since he had met Justin. He had accepted the unknown, but gradually got used to Justin always being there for him. Justin had never been predictable, but Emmanuel had never taken him for a liar.

What now?

Emmanuel didn’t know how long he had been sitting there, but as he heard the door to the room fall closed, he felt Justin’s presence so strongly it was almost unbearable. But nothing happened. Silence.

“So you’re engaged?” Emmanuel’s voice sounded hollow.

Justin didn’t say anything.

Emmanuel was staring at his hands that were lying in his lap, holding onto each other so tightly, almost as if he needed to remind himself he was still there.

“Who are you, Justin?” He was scared to look up, but he needed to see Justin’s face. But it was just blank.

“Justin.”

Justin kept his gaze firmly fixed on his feet.

“Justin. Why did you lie to me?”

“I didn’t lie to you,” came Justin’s rushed reply, his voice sounding strained.

Emmanuel’s first instinct was to grab the lamp on the bedside table and fling it at him. Rage came slowly seeping in.

“You didn’t. Lie. To me.”

Justin bit his lip.

“What are you doing here?”

Justin met his eyes. He looked irritated. Emmanuel had never hated him more than in that moment.

“I said what are you doing here?!”

Justin opened his mouth, but no words came out. Instead he took a step back and looked at Emmanuel helplessly.

“What do you want?!” Emmanuel started shaking.

“I didn’t lie to you, Emmanuel.” A tear ran down Justin’s cheek. “Manu, I... I couldn’t...”

“When were you going to tell me?!”

“I... I didn’t... It was never the right time.”

Emmanuel laughed angrily. “The right time...” he spat at Justin.

“I didn’t want to hurt you, Manu!”

Emmanuel got to his feet and threw himself at Justin. He grabbed him by his shoulders and pushed him away from himself.

“Fuck you!”

“Emmanuel!”

Taking a swing at Justin, Emmanuel punched his arm. Justin took a deep breath and frowned at him. He looked hurt.

“Fuck you!”

“Please...”

Emmanuel slapped him across the face. An ugly sob escaped Justin’s mouth.

“Emmanuel. I love you!”

Turning away from Justin and hiding his own tears, Emmanuel threw his things into his backpack. He didn’t care anymore. All he knew was that he needed to get away.

“Emmanuel! Please! Don’t go!”

Putting on his jacket, Emmanuel shrugged away from Justin, who was trying to pull him into an embrace.

“Emmanuel!”

“I don’t ever want to see you again.”

Justin only started crying harder.

“Manu...” He tried grabbing one of Emmanuel’s hands, but Emmanuel slipped it out of his grasp. He couldn’t bear the feeling of Justin’s hands on him.

“Emmanuel, please...”

“I hate you!” It even surprised Emmanuel how fierce he sounded. But it was the only way to get away from Justin before he was going to break down in front of him. Grabbing his things, Emmanuel opened the door and rushed down the stairs, leaving Justin behind on the bed. He didn’t even bother to close the door.

Out in the open, Emmanuel was looking for a way to get out. He didn’t know where to go, but he knew that he needed to get away from the city. Half-stumbling down the side of the road, Emmanuel could no longer keep the tears away. He felt aimless. He didn’t know where he should go and neither how he was supposed to move on without Justin by his side.

His love had meant nothing.

Emmanuel felt so stupid. Why had he let Justin fool him for so long? It had all been nothing but a game to him. Messing around with the naive little boy that Emmanuel was.

He wanted to go home. But where was home now?

Emmanuel sat down on the grass after a while, too exhausted to keep going. He was shaking from his sobs and hoped that no one would see him like that. He felt weak. He probably looked really embarrassing.

Hugging himself, Emmanuel sat there for some time. He needed to come up with a plan. He couldn’t sit there forever.

So Justin had betrayed him. This meant there was no turning back. He had let Justin use him for too long. How had he ever trusted him? Emmanuel decided to keep walking up the road.

And then? Emmanuel probably could go back to France, to his family. Go back to his old life. But he didn’t feel he had the strength to do that. Maybe he could find work in the US. Maybe he could pretend those last months had never happened.

He felt so lost.

And still Emmanuel wanted nothing more than to feel Justin’s arms wrapped around him. This embrace that always drove all his fears away. But what would it mean now? Now that he knew that all of this had never meant anything to Justin?

Emmanuel shook those thoughts away and got back up to get back on his way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. I didn't really have the energy to write the next chapter. But finally it's here.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A turn of events. Emmanuel’s life is in danger, but help is near.

_Feels like nothing's really holy_  
_No one no one hears your calling_  
_Falling everything is falling_  
  
_Do you feel alive?_  
_Can you feel alive?_  
_Do you feel alive?_  
_Can you feel alive?_

* * *

 

Emmanuel had been walking for a while. His hopelessness had turned into determination. If there was no turning back, there were no expectations. Who knew where he would end up next? Maybe it could be a fresh start.

Darkness had surrounded him. He didn’t know how late it was. Neither how far away the next town would be. He sat down to regain some strength and ate a cereal bar he had found in one of his pockets.

Swearing to himself that he would never let anyone betray him again as he had allowed Justin to, Emmanuel began to feel tired. Yet he knew he had to keep walking, find a place to sleep. Feeling drowsy, Emmanuel told himself he could rest for a moment. Just a moment.

Something shook Emmanuel from his slumber.

“Hey, what are you doing?!”

Someone was looking through his backpack. Still confused from sleep, Emmanuel tried to grab his things. He didn’t expect the push from behind.

His face buried in the grass on the ground, Emmanuel tried to push himself back up, but instead he felt his arms being forced onto his back. He began to panic.

“Well, you are quite a pretty boy...” a menacing voice breathed into his ear.

Emmanuel was confused. He heard two pairs of boots approaching. A hand grabbed the back of his neck and kept his head in place. Unable to breathe, Emmanuel struggled to free his hands from the grasp on his back.

“Shouldn’t be all alone out here at this hour, should you... Something...” A cool blade was tracing the vein on Emmanuel’s neck. “...might happen to you...”

His pulse quickening, Emmanuel was trying to think of a way to escape the situation. But with every passing second, his fear became even more overpowering.

“Well, what shall we do with you?”

Emmanuel tried to free his legs from the weight settling on top of him.

“Ah, you are not making this any easier...”

The man on top of him yanked Emmanuel’s jumper over his head and pulled it down to tie his hands. His face out in the open, Emmanuel was trying to catch his breath. A second later, the man got up and pushed a boot against Emmanuel’s bare back. Crying out at the sharp pain, Emmanuel was trying to kick at his perpetrator, but regretted it immediately.

“Alright, I think that’s enough.”

Pulling down his jeans, the man laughed at Emmanuel’s attempts at fighting back. The fingers on his back felt threatening.

Emmanuel was praying that they would stop. He felt the eyes of the other two men staring at him.

“Do you like that?”

A finger was tracing a line down Emmanuel’s back and over his briefs. Emmanuel was panting helplessly and trying not to cry. The man yanked down the fabric and moved the knife back onto his skin. Emmanuel was sure. This was it.

As he heard the man behind him unbuckle his belt, Emmanuel couldn’t keep the tears away any longer. How was he supposed to get out? There was no way. Crying soundlessly, Emmanuel prepared himself for what was to come. There was no way to avoid it anyway.

“Look at you... There’s no need to be upset.”

The knife was moving further down.

Emmanuel kept his eyes closed and counted off the seconds. One, two, three... But instead of the pain, Emmanuel felt the weight being lifted off of him. Surprised, he kept lying there and listened to what was happening above him.

He heard shouting. Fists against skin. The sound of a body falling onto the ground. More fighting. And then someone turned him onto his back.

“Oh my God...” Hands were clasping his face. “Oh my God... Are you okay?”

Pulling the jumper back over his head and pulling up his jeans, Justin made him sit up. Emmanuel was still shaking.

“What have they done to you?” Justin ran a hand over Emmanuel’s face. “I am so sorry.”

Emmanuel was about to reply, when Justin was hurled backwards. Emmanuel had no time to react. Two of the men were holding back his arms. Justin looked terrified.

“Nooooo!” Emmanuel screamed as the third man started kicking Justin.

Another blow to Justin’s stomach. Justin was coughing violently. Emmanuel got up to pull away one of the men holding him. He fell back onto the ground as he was shoved away.

“Nooooo, stop!”

The man was punching Justin’s face. Hanging in the other men’s grasp, Justin was barely conscious.

“Please!”

Justin’s face was covered in bruises and blood started drying on his skin. As the men let go of him, Justin landed on the ground in a heap. Emmanuel was choking on his sobs.

The men were spitting in Emmanuel’s direction and laughing at him. Then they left without another word.

Rushing to Justin’s side, Emmanuel felt like he was dying. Justin was barely breathing, his body limp in Emmanuel’s arms.

“Oh God...” Emmanuel was holding Justin’s face in his hands. “My God...”

Sobbing relentlessly, Emmanuel was weighing Justin in his grasp.

“Please, no...”

Justin didn’t move.

“Justin, please...”

Emmanuel didn’t know what to do. He was in the middle of nowhere and he was never going to be able to get to a hospital in time.

“Justin.”

He placed a kiss on Justin’s forehead.

“Justin, I love you. Please... please don’t die!”

Time stopped. Emmanuel felt the life drowning out of Justin.

“Justin, please. I love you.” His voice broke. “I love you...”

And then, after an eternity, a car was driving up the road. Emmanuel didn’t notice it at first. He was rocking Justin in his arms, hoping, praying. A woman gently grasped his arm.

“Hello. Are you alright?”

Emmanuel didn’t look up, holding Justin even closer to himself.

“Oh. Honey, can you please come and help me?”

“Nooooo,” Emmanuel was wailing as the couple were trying to take Justin out of his arms.

“Sweetheart, we have to get your friend to a hospital...” the woman tried carefully.

“He is going to die!”

The woman pulled Emmanuel away from Justin and led him to her car.

“Don’t take him away from me!”

“We are going to help you.”

Emmanuel was burying his face in the woman’s shoulder.

“Don’t worry. Everything will be alright.”

Emmanuel couldn’t bear the pain. It was unlike anything he had ever felt before. He was holding onto the woman’s back, trying to feel anything, but he only felt like his chest had been torn open.

“Come now...”

Emmanuel saw the woman’s husband carry Justin to their car out of the corner of his eye. He felt numb. Justin looked like a puppet, his limbs hanging loosely in the air.

“Come. We have to hurry.”

Emmanuel was placed in the back of the pickup, Justin’s body right beside him. He could barely look at him. Burying his face in Justin’s hair, he was whispering to him, trying to calm himself more than anyone else.

He didn’t know how long the drive took, but when the paramedics were trying to get Justin out of the car, Emmanuel was begging them to let him join Justin.

“Honey, it’s okay. They are going to take care of him now.”

Emmanuel felt the woman’s arms around himself. He had forgotten when his mother had held him like that the last time. He was crying. It felt like it was never going to end.

“Come, let’s get you some food...”

Emmanuel couldn’t eat. He was lying on two chairs in the waiting room, the woman running her hand through his hair to soothe him.

“I’m Carla, by the way... that’s my husband Eric.”

Emmanuel couldn’t talk. All he could think of was Justin’s lifeless face. What if he was never going to see him again?

“I need to call someone,” he said suddenly.

“Alright, honey.”

Moving to the public phone outside, Emmanuel knew what he had to do. Manette always knew a solution.

“Mami?”

“Oh my God, Manu! Where have you been?!”

She sounded so happy, but as Emmanuel went on, she started to sound very concerned.

“Something... something happened.” Emmanuel broke out in a sob.

“My dear boy, what’s going on?”

“I... There were some guys. And. And they were trying to hurt me.”

“God. Are you okay?”

“I’m... I wasn’t alone. This guy... He... we were on a trip together. And... he was trying to protect me. But...” Emmanuel couldn’t go on. He was crying relentlessly.

“Manu. Please. Come home.”

“I... I can’t.”

“But why?”

“I... I’m in love with him.” Emmanuel broke down.

“Manu! Oh! My poor boy! I wish I could help you.”

They were crying together.

“I’m sorry. I have to go.”

“Okay. But please... come home.”

“I’m not sure I can.”

*

Emmanuel fell asleep some time after midnight. Carla and Eric didn’t leave his side.

In the morning, a doctor approached him. Emmanuel was so scared, he had to leave the room and threw up in the toilet.

“Hey, let me help you...”

Guiding him back to the waiting room, Carla was speaking to him quietly.

“What did they say?”

“He’s going to be okay.”

“Can I... can I see him?”

Nodding encouragingly, Carla joined him.

As Emmanuel saw Justin lying in bed, he started crying again. He looked so pale. And battered. Only to protect him. The guilt was threatening to choke him.

“Justin...”

Kneeling down beside him, Emmanuel softly touched his face.

“My God... I thought I had lost you...”

The doctors couldn’t get Emmanuel out of the room. So they let him stay on a chair next to the bed.

Watching over him, Emmanuel was trying to stay awake. But it was impossible. As he came to again, it was already noon.

“Hello, my beautiful...”

Emmanuel gasped.

“Justin...” Rushing over, Emmanuel got onto his knees and kissed Justin softly. Moaning quietly, Justin pulled a face. He seemed to be in great pain.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, please... kiss me again.”

Emmanuel cupped Justin’s face in his hands. “I love you, Justin.”

Justin smiled. “I know.”

Emmanuel was confused.

“You knew?”

Justin smiled again. “I think I had my suspicions."

“How did you find me?”

Justin’s face grew serious.

“I don’t know.”

Emmanuel’s breath stopped.

“I just took the right direction.”

Emmanuel caressed his cheek. “You almost died.”

A tear was running down Justin’s cheek. “I couldn’t live without you.”

They shared another kiss.

“I feel very tired.”

Emmanuel smiled. “Of course.”

“Lie with me.”

Emmanuel hesitated. “But I am not allowed to.”

“Please...”

Taking off his shoes, Emmanuel went to the other side of the bed. Climbing into the bed, he was immediately pulled into an embrace. He felt safe.

“Please... never leave me.”

Emmanuel grasped Justin’s arm and pulled it closer against himself.

“I love you, Emmanuel.”


End file.
